ROLLERCOASTER

     I don’t even know where to begin.  This rollercoaster some call adoption has been interesting, and we are just now getting started.  The holidays were intense.  I’m not sure if it was because the Christmas season just brings out extra emotions or if I just had too much time on many hands to think. Either way, it was just a glimpse of the turmoil and triumph to come as we trudge along on this journey.

     A couple of weeks before Christmas, I was sitting at my desk at work, and I noticed that I had an email from our agency.  I was so excited.  We hadn’t heard from them in weeks, and I was relieved to hear something, anything.  Although adoptions in process were moving along in Haiti, ours wasn’t.  Our dossier was, and still is, sitting on a desk at IBESR, which is the Haitian version of social services.  I heard the chime of the computer, looked, and there it was.  I rushed to open it and began reading as fast as I could.  I read to the end, wanting so badly for there to be more.  Basically, the email was to inform us that the fees were changing, and we would have to pay $500 more dollars to IBESR.  It wasn’t even about the money.  The timing was just very bad.  I am so glad I was alone.  I acted like a fool.  I screamed out loud and wanted to throw my computer through the window.  I was angry and frustrated. Then, I cried. 

     After that, I pushed the adoption to the back of my mind.  It was too hard to think about it, so I didn’t.  Finishing the first semester of school, basketball games, and getting ready for Christmas kept me busy enough so that I didn’t have time to think.  Don’t get me wrong, it crossed my mind several times a day, but I moved on to something else before I allowed myself to process it.  Before I knew it, it was the Sunday before Christmas.  I sat there in Sunday school class listening to our teacher talk about the lesson and about Christmas. Then, I heard the words, “I wish every little boy and every little girl had a mommy and daddy that loves him”.  CRASH!  I became a heaping pile of mush.  For once, I was glad to be sitting on the front row with my back to most.  All the emotions that I had repressed came flooding out.  My mind went straight to the orphanage, and I couldn’t escape it this time.  I learned a valuable lesson that day.  It’s much better to cry a little every day than to save it all for a one time episode.   

     We went to Christmas party after Christmas party after Christmas party.  I couldn’t help but wonder about the kids in the orphanages, not just in Haiti, but around the world.  As Kynady and Elijah’s anticipation for Santa grew, I couldn’t help but think about what their little brother or sister was doing.  I wondered if the kids in the orphanages would celebrate.  Our agency works with Christian based orphanages, so I hoped that at least the little ones would know that Christmas is a special day.  Santa showed up in a big way at the Thomas house, and I have never felt so blessed in my life.   Then, I opened our gift from Caterina.  It was a book of photos of Haiti by Jared Leto, and the front cover is intense.  I’ll post a picture because there are no words to describe the photo.  It’s a picture of a boy or a man, and his eyes are indescribable.  When I picked up the book, I felt like this person was looking back at me.  I flipped through the pages and the realism portrayed by this photographer was overwhelming.  I felt a blanket of reassurance as I poured over picture after picture of the devastation and hardship in this impoverished nation.  Haiti is undoubtedly and officially the poorest country in the western hemisphere.   The reassurance was from that still small voice of my Lord that said, “Yes, this is what I want you to do”.  I cried again. 

          Shortly after the New Year, we finally received word from our agency.   They sent us a bunch of pictures of the kids at the orphanage and their Christmas party.  I can’t relate to you the relief I felt knowing that my baby was able to celebrate Christmas.  Then we were told that IBESR would be choosing adoption agencies to process adoptions in Haiti, and that decision would be made on Jan. 10^th.  I was so nervous.  I checked my email about 50 times that day, even during basketball practice.  You can ask my husband:  basketball practice is my time to be cut off to the world, but I couldn’t take it.  I had to look.  The decision that we were waiting for was originally supposed to be made on October 30^th, so I’m not sure why I was so certain that this would get done on January 10^th, but I live in a world where deadlines are a big deal.  Well, Haiti is not that way, apparently. The email came, and it said the decision would be postponed until January 15^th.  Now, I am traditionally an optimist, but I wasn’t going to hold my breath this time.  I’m glad I didn’t because Jan. 15^th came and went without a word.  Nothing.  Not a yay or a nay or a maybe or a wait.  Nothing.  That was hard for me, and I still don’t understand it.  A simple email saying, “we still don’t know”, would have been enough. I’m not proud of it, but I became bitter.  Near the end of school on Jan 17th, we finally heard the good news.  Our agency had been chosen, and we could move forward.  PRAISE GOD!  What a relief.  It was such good news, yet I felt a lot of guilt.  I didn’t really give up, but I felt like I had lost faith and grown a bit cynical about the process.  Then, God led me to a piece of scripture that was very comforting.  I was actually searching for some motivation for my basketball team when I came across Matthew 8:23-27. Jesus is in a boat with his disciples when a huge storm comes up.  They are running around crazy, going nuts, and Jesus is asleep.  They wake him up, and he’s like, “come on guys, have a little faith”. He gets up, rebukes the storm, and probably goes back to sleep.  I guess if those guys can lose their faith with Jesus in the boat with them, then it’s okay for me to forget from time to time that I am not in control, He is.  You know, when we have Jesus in our boat, why do we worry so much?  He is able to get up at any moment and calm the storm.  He’s that powerful and mighty.  Why do I run around in such a tizzy all the time?  He’s got this, and he’s in my boat! What more do I need?  Thank you Lord!