Moments of Weakness

     For the record, 99 percent of the time, I am cool, calm and collected.  Well, make that about 90 percent since it’s basketball season.

     I have signed up for about a dozen adoption newsletters over the past two years.  They’re all very similar in that about once a week they send an email begging people to adopt.  They have all these reasons why adoption is the answer, and they almost always include pictures of beautiful little boys and girls. Well, I unsubscribed to every single one in a moment of anguish last week, only to have to go back thirty minutes later and re-subscribe to my favorites.  I think I could be losing my mind. Seriously. 

     I know there are hundreds of thousands of orphans.  I know there are children waiting.  I know that I can make a difference in this world.  That’s why it’s so frustrating.  I get these emails begging people to adopt with all these great reasons why it’s a good way to extend your family.  We already have so much invested in bringing one of those little faces home, but we’re having trouble getting this thing off the ground.  It’s like we’re stuck in the mud without a rope or a chain.  I thought, “I don’t even know who to blame for the inadequacy of the process, but don’t blame me.  I AM TRYING!!”  Thankfully, I had bookmarked most of my favorites, so it didn’t take me long to get back on the lists.  I felt so dumb.  I need those emails, and I need to look at those faces, and I need to be thankful that Brock and I are in a place in our lives in which we are able to be patient.  We have two beautiful children to keep us busy, and we have so many positive things going for us at the moment.  We have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for ourselves.

     I get frustrated from time to time, but I am truly at peace with where we are in our adoption process.  Before and immediately after our conference call last Wednesday, I was anxious and worried about all of the changes and uncertainty in Haiti.  Brock and I had even talked about changing countries.  Before the conference call, I sent in a question to the director asking for specific guidance or at least a professional opinion specific to our family.  I just wanted someone to say, “This is what’s best for your family”.  The director read my question to the group and suggested that we pray and ask God for guidance.  She said that the agency would be seeking God’s will in the decisions that they would be making and that we should seek God’s will for our own families.  She hit a home run with that one because I immediately felt a sense of trust in our agency. What a relief!  Thank God the director got it right.  She can’t make a decision that belongs to God.  I have absolutely no doubt that God has led us to Haiti. From my knees, I gave it back to Him and felt that peace that I had somehow lost in the days prior.  I opened my Bible, and the verse in bold, although it’s not in bold today, was James 1:2-4.  It says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  Thank you, Lord.   

Quotas

     Well, the title of my last blog post was “Rollercoaster”, but I want this to be clear to everyone. It’s not just any rollercoaster. It’s more like Space Mountain or Thunder Mountain or even the Screamin Delta Demon or Wabash Cannonball. The Scrambler or Gravitron isn’t in the same theme park. This rollercoaster is intense. We’re not just spinning in circles, we’re going upside down and all around, but we’ll eventually get to where we’re going. Our faith is stronger than ever, and we’re ready to keep fighting these small battles because we know the war has already been won. Here’s the latest.

     IBESR has expressed their intent to re-establish the adoption program in Haiti utilizing a quota of one dossier submission per accredited agency per month. There are over 300,000 orphans in Haiti and about 19 accredited agencies. Their purpose for the quota is to make sure the new system will work before getting a bunch of families involved, but it just doesn’t seem logical. For us, that means our paperwork could remain at rest in its current place on someone’s desk in Haiti for a few more months. For the orphanages, they simply can’t survive without the money coming in from adoptions. Orphanages will have to turn kids in need away, and that’s hard to imagine. Since our agency can only submit one dossier per month, they have chosen to use a committee to determine the order in which families will be allowed to proceed. It will not be a first come, first served situation, which would have worked out better for us. Instead of deciding which family gets to go first, they will be deciding which child will get to come home first, and then submit the family matched with that child. We are confident in our agency and their desire to seek God’s will in matching children with families, so we’re at peace with our place in line, wherever that may be. I’m not sure how they will be able to decide which child deserves priority, but I appreciate the idea of putting the children first.

     The quota system is ridiculous, but some of the other changes to IBESR’s policies and procedures make more sense. Before the new policies and procedures, Referrals were made rather quickly, and then the dossiers for both the child and the family were sent together to IBESR, who then had to approve the family and the referral at the same time. Now, the family will have to be approved by IBESR before the official referral is made. That means families will not get their referral as quickly, but the time between referral and the end of the process is shorter. That’s a welcomed change. Our agency will be submitting dossiers with a match in mind, but IBESR will make the final decision on referrals after the family is approved. Our agency will not be allowed to give us any information whatsoever about the child they have matched us with until after we are approved by IBESR because they have final say.

     It’s all rather confusing, but here's the bottom line: We are one of six paperwork ready families waiting to submit our dossier, and three more families are in process. A committee will match a child with a family and determine the order of submission based on which child they think needs to come home first. We have no idea where we will fall in line, but we hope that will be determined in the next few weeks. Hopefully, the quotas will be removed soon, and we will all be on our way. The orphanages will fight hard to get the quotas removed because they need the money.  
I feel confident that IBESR will notice rather quickly that quotas will mean less money coming in, and they will work rather quickly to remedy the situation.

     Whatever happens, we are at least 6 months to a year from a referral. That sounds like a long time, and it’s a little longer than we had hoped, but it’s not about what we want. God led us to Haiti, and we’re in this for the long haul. Jeremiah 1:19 says, “They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you, declares the Lord.” This is war and we’re armed and ready. This has been one battle after another, but God never said it would be easy. We can and WILL get this done. PRAY!

 

ROLLERCOASTER

     I don’t even know where to begin.  This rollercoaster some call adoption has been interesting, and we are just now getting started.  The holidays were intense.  I’m not sure if it was because the Christmas season just brings out extra emotions or if I just had too much time on many hands to think. Either way, it was just a glimpse of the turmoil and triumph to come as we trudge along on this journey.

     A couple of weeks before Christmas, I was sitting at my desk at work, and I noticed that I had an email from our agency.  I was so excited.  We hadn’t heard from them in weeks, and I was relieved to hear something, anything.  Although adoptions in process were moving along in Haiti, ours wasn’t.  Our dossier was, and still is, sitting on a desk at IBESR, which is the Haitian version of social services.  I heard the chime of the computer, looked, and there it was.  I rushed to open it and began reading as fast as I could.  I read to the end, wanting so badly for there to be more.  Basically, the email was to inform us that the fees were changing, and we would have to pay $500 more dollars to IBESR.  It wasn’t even about the money.  The timing was just very bad.  I am so glad I was alone.  I acted like a fool.  I screamed out loud and wanted to throw my computer through the window.  I was angry and frustrated. Then, I cried. 

     After that, I pushed the adoption to the back of my mind.  It was too hard to think about it, so I didn’t.  Finishing the first semester of school, basketball games, and getting ready for Christmas kept me busy enough so that I didn’t have time to think.  Don’t get me wrong, it crossed my mind several times a day, but I moved on to something else before I allowed myself to process it.  Before I knew it, it was the Sunday before Christmas.  I sat there in Sunday school class listening to our teacher talk about the lesson and about Christmas. Then, I heard the words, “I wish every little boy and every little girl had a mommy and daddy that loves him”.  CRASH!  I became a heaping pile of mush.  For once, I was glad to be sitting on the front row with my back to most.  All the emotions that I had repressed came flooding out.  My mind went straight to the orphanage, and I couldn’t escape it this time.  I learned a valuable lesson that day.  It’s much better to cry a little every day than to save it all for a one time episode.   

     We went to Christmas party after Christmas party after Christmas party.  I couldn’t help but wonder about the kids in the orphanages, not just in Haiti, but around the world.  As Kynady and Elijah’s anticipation for Santa grew, I couldn’t help but think about what their little brother or sister was doing.  I wondered if the kids in the orphanages would celebrate.  Our agency works with Christian based orphanages, so I hoped that at least the little ones would know that Christmas is a special day.  Santa showed up in a big way at the Thomas house, and I have never felt so blessed in my life.   Then, I opened our gift from Caterina.  It was a book of photos of Haiti by Jared Leto, and the front cover is intense.  I’ll post a picture because there are no words to describe the photo.  It’s a picture of a boy or a man, and his eyes are indescribable.  When I picked up the book, I felt like this person was looking back at me.  I flipped through the pages and the realism portrayed by this photographer was overwhelming.  I felt a blanket of reassurance as I poured over picture after picture of the devastation and hardship in this impoverished nation.  Haiti is undoubtedly and officially the poorest country in the western hemisphere.   The reassurance was from that still small voice of my Lord that said, “Yes, this is what I want you to do”.  I cried again. 

          Shortly after the New Year, we finally received word from our agency.   They sent us a bunch of pictures of the kids at the orphanage and their Christmas party.  I can’t relate to you the relief I felt knowing that my baby was able to celebrate Christmas.  Then we were told that IBESR would be choosing adoption agencies to process adoptions in Haiti, and that decision would be made on Jan. 10^th.  I was so nervous.  I checked my email about 50 times that day, even during basketball practice.  You can ask my husband:  basketball practice is my time to be cut off to the world, but I couldn’t take it.  I had to look.  The decision that we were waiting for was originally supposed to be made on October 30^th, so I’m not sure why I was so certain that this would get done on January 10^th, but I live in a world where deadlines are a big deal.  Well, Haiti is not that way, apparently. The email came, and it said the decision would be postponed until January 15^th.  Now, I am traditionally an optimist, but I wasn’t going to hold my breath this time.  I’m glad I didn’t because Jan. 15^th came and went without a word.  Nothing.  Not a yay or a nay or a maybe or a wait.  Nothing.  That was hard for me, and I still don’t understand it.  A simple email saying, “we still don’t know”, would have been enough. I’m not proud of it, but I became bitter.  Near the end of school on Jan 17th, we finally heard the good news.  Our agency had been chosen, and we could move forward.  PRAISE GOD!  What a relief.  It was such good news, yet I felt a lot of guilt.  I didn’t really give up, but I felt like I had lost faith and grown a bit cynical about the process.  Then, God led me to a piece of scripture that was very comforting.  I was actually searching for some motivation for my basketball team when I came across Matthew 8:23-27. Jesus is in a boat with his disciples when a huge storm comes up.  They are running around crazy, going nuts, and Jesus is asleep.  They wake him up, and he’s like, “come on guys, have a little faith”. He gets up, rebukes the storm, and probably goes back to sleep.  I guess if those guys can lose their faith with Jesus in the boat with them, then it’s okay for me to forget from time to time that I am not in control, He is.  You know, when we have Jesus in our boat, why do we worry so much?  He is able to get up at any moment and calm the storm.  He’s that powerful and mighty.  Why do I run around in such a tizzy all the time?  He’s got this, and he’s in my boat! What more do I need?  Thank you Lord!

 

The Anxiety of the Wait

          Not knowing is so hard.  The new Haitian adoption laws were supposed to go into effect on October 31^st.  We haven’t heard anything, not a word.  I expected to hear something several days ago, one way or another.  We don’t know if Haiti is accepting new dossiers again or if everything is still on hold.  All we know for sure is that our dossier still hasn’t been submitted.  

          The anticipation and anxiety caused by no information is unreal.  The only thing I can compare it to is that split second when you take your eyes off your kids, and then you can’t find them for a moment.  It’s not quite panic yet, because you know they couldn’t have gone far, but you just need to lay your eyes on them.  Or, it’s like when you’re waiting to find out those test results.  Good or bad, you just need to know so you can deal with it.  Or, when you’re trying to get pregnant, but it’s too early to take the test.  The days can’t go by fast enough.  You just want to know so you can deal with it, good or bad.  Well, the anxiety has been killing me lately, but once again, God has stepped up and taken over in His perfect timing.  God has promised me that there is NOTHING that He and I can’t handle together, and I trust those words more now than ever before. 

          It’s Adoption Awareness Month.  I thought we had dodged a bullet at church when it wasn’t mentioned last Sunday.  Selfishly, I prayed that we would not have to endure any of those heart wrenching videos with picture after picture of dirty, hungry orphans waiting to be adopted.  I envisioned myself becoming emotional, like usual, but this time the entire church would be looking at me because they know that we are in the process.  I’m on edge anyway, and something like that could easily push me over.   I felt safe once again this morning when we began to recognize our veterans.  I figured we probably wouldn’t take the time to honor veterans and show an orphan video.  Then it happened.  I heard the words, “Adoption Awareness Month”, and my heart sank.  I thought, “I can’t watch this video.  How am I going to get out of here?”  Bro. Mark started talking about adoption and his family, and he recognized all the families in our church that have been touched by adoption.  Then, he reminded us that we have all been adopted into God’s family.  By this time, I was flooded with emotion as I waited for that video.  Then, Bro. Mark asked us to come down front.  Seriously, my only thought was, that’s better than a video.  I cannot express in words what it felt like to have Godly people lay their hands on us and pray at the altar specifically for our family.  I felt God’s presence in a way that I never thought possible.  The moment the prayer ended, and we stood up, it felt like ten thousand pounds were lifted off of my chest. All of the anxiety and anticipation vanished, and the relief was unexplainable.  I’m even ready for that video now.  Amazing.

          Even in the wait, when everything else is still, God continues to reveal Himself in His perfect timing.  God never said it would be easy, He just said it would be worth it.  Thank you my Lord for allowing me the opportunity to see your purpose so clearly.  Had I not been so overwhelmed, I could not have experienced your power to make things so clear and perfect again.  How awesome is HE!

TIME

          Time, one of the few things we can’t control. I just finished reading, The Time Keeper, by Mitch Albom.  The author presents a fictional story about the life of Father Time, and it’s a remarkable display of how our lives are controlled by the clock.  Time is so precious, and it moves at its own pace.  Since reading the book, I have noticed how preoccupied and unsatisfied I am with the pace of time.  Hurry up, slow down, get here quick, take your time, hustle.  If Father tTime was real and trying to answer each of my requests, then he would need medication.    

                I was thinking about how fast the school year is going, and I am so conflicted.  I can’t wait for the next break, especially summer break .  All you teachers out there know what I mean.  I love my job, but I love my breaks too!  I want the year to hurry up and be over.  Then, I think about my baby girl, and I want time to stop in its tracks.  I don’t want to wish her time away.  She is in the third grade.  Where has the time gone?  For every reason to want time to speed up, there is a reason to want time to slow down.  Elijah is four years old, and I asked him to stay little tonight.  I want my time with my kids to creep, but it just keeps passing faster and faster.  Why do we worry so much about something that we have no control over?

                We never seem to have enough time, unless we’re in the middle of something unpleasant.  Today at Kynady’s football game, I caught myself watching the clock.  I even said out loud once, “come on clock, keep running”.  To my defense, it was freezing cold and Elijah was whining and crying.  Then, I remembered that this was her last game of the season.  Some of you may not believe this, but I am so happy that Kynady has found something that she can be passionate about, even if it’s cheerleading.  I just want her to be active and involved.  Cheerleading may or may not be her thing.  It’s still too early to tell. But if she’s going to be a cheerleader, then I want her to be the best cheerleader that she can possibly be.  That’s what it's all about.  I never thought I would ever say that, just so you know.

                When it comes to our adoption, the time is creeping.  It just can’t happen fast enough.  I want my baby here yesterday! Everyone wants to know “when”.  I want to know when.  All I can say is that it’s going to be a while.  I just want to get my child out of there.  Another hurricane!  UGH!  It is taking so long for things to progress that it doesn’t seem like the time will ever come.  But I know it will because my God is in control.  Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”.  There will be a time to rejoice, but right now is our time to wait. 

Preparing our Fields for Rain

           October 31^st is the big day.  Halloween.  That’s  the day the new Haitian adoption laws will go into effect.  Ultimately, the new laws will make things better for children and families in Haiti, but we were really hoping to get our paperwork submitted so we wouldn’t have to deal with the mess.  We thought we were going to make it, but that just didn’t happen.    Even though our dossier has been in Haiti for several weeks, it will not be submitted before the new laws take effect.  The major issue surrounding the new law is that IBESR will be selecting 3 agencies, and only 3 agencies to process adoptions in Haiti.  If our agency is not selected, then we will have to be transferred to another agency in order to complete our adoption.  That’s not a big deal other than it could hold us up a bit. 

          Basketball started for real this week.  I don’t really know what “for real” means since we never really stop, but we’re in full swing.  I am constantly thinking about ways to motivate and encourage the girls.  Basketball is the hardest sport to play.  It’s one of the most physically and emotionally demanding sports because of its pace, and the season is very long.  On a small scale, it can be compared to this adoption.  One of the quotes I have been using lately comes from the movie, Facing the Giants.  I bet I have said, “I want your best”, over a hundred times throughout conditioning and the first two days of practice.  So many people are satisfied with being in the middle of the pack, on the basketball team and in life.  God wants our best.  He wants my best in everything I do, whether it be yard darts or homework or mowing the yard.  He doesn’t want our best compared to everyone else.  He wants our best compared to what WE are capable of doing.  That’s part of the speech I gave my girls at the end of practice.  I was reflecting on what I said to the girls this evening, which led me to think about another huge theme in that movie, FAITH.  If you’ll remember, the couple in that movie wanted a baby so bad.  One thing that has stuck with me from that is when he talks about “preparing your fields for rain”, which comes from the Bible.  If you’re going to ask for rain, then have enough faith to prepare your fields.  I pray that I can have that kind of faith.   God will come through for us, even though we don’t understand the timing of it all.  I know that every time there is a delay, God is protecting us or our child from something, and I thank Him for that.  Everyone wants to know how much longer and I do to.  We have to have faith that God is at work and this will happen exactly when it’s supposed to happen.  It seems so far away, but all we can do is prepare our fields for rain.   

Racism is UGLY!

          I knew it was coming.  I just thought I was prepared.  I have researched transracial adoptions. I’ve read every book, study, magazine article, blog, and the list goes on.  I know we live in a racist world, and I have witnessed racism in all kinds of ways.  I really didn’t want to include this in my blog, but I can’t shake it, and maybe writing this will help me let go of it.  It’s real, that’s for sure.  Well, I lost my cool.  I know that’s not so hard for some of you to believe, but I can get in psycho mode rather quickly when I feel like my kids need to be protected.  It’s a passion or adrenaline rush that’s unexplainable.  Some of you mothers know what I’m talking about.  I can’t rid myself of the anger and the burn coming from the pit of my soul.  For someone to suggest that an innocent child is less of a human being because he/she is black makes me want to SCREAM.  For those of you who think racism doesn’t exist, you are living in a hole.  Racism is real, and it’s ugly.

          This blog has been such a positive experience for me that I really didn’t want to even mention this little blurb of negativity.  All that I will say is that some people can’t understand why we would want to adopt a “black” child.  I won’t get into the details because they really don’t matter.  The bottom line is that many people think they are entitled or better than others or privileged because of the color of their skin.  God led us to Haiti because that country is the poorest country in the world, and it just so happens that the people there are black.  There are thousands of children in Haiti sitting in orphanages, starving, and dying of diseases.  Are you telling me that a human being doesn’t deserve a better opportunity to survive just because he has dark skin?  Ignorance and lack of education are the only excuses I can think of that would make anyone think they are better than anyone else because of their race.  My son/daughter will be black, and he/she is MINE!  I will fight for my child, and I will protect him/her at all costs.  I understand that we will have to deal with racism from now until the end of time.  Bring it on!  It won't be easy, but I will do everything I can to teach my son/daughter to be proud and to be confident.  I want all my kids to know that we're in this together, no mattter what.

          We actually have some very encouraging news.  Our I600A (Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition) has been approved.  That’s the form that pre-approves us to bring our son/daughter back into the United States.  The approval letter is called the I-171H letter.  Those forms are very important because adoptions in Haiti are very shaky at the moment.  Haiti is actually trying to clean up the adoption process a bit.  They are adding some adoption laws so they can become part of the Hague Convention, which will be a good thing in the long run.  However, if the president ratifies the Hague Convention before the laws are changed, then the US could refuse to allow its citizens to adopt from there.  My guess is that they do that to pressure the countries to get their laws passed quickly.  In the past, the US has allowed adoption to continue as long as the I600a has been approved.  So, we hope that even if the adoptions are stopped on the US end, we will be allowed to continue.    I know it’s confusing.  I don’t really understand all the ins and outs either.  The arrival of our dossier in Haiti is also a big deal.  We really need to get that submitted by Oct. 31^st because that’s when we think the new adoption laws could go into effect.   The new laws will limit the number of agencies/organizations allowed to work in Haiti, and we don’t know for sure if our agency will even be allowed to process adoptions.  Of course, they think they will be chosen, but no one knows for sure.  Adoption in Haiti is unpredictable, but we knew that from the start. We just have to know that God has this under control and He is working for us at this very moment.  God is good!  Keep the prayers coming!  The next step will be our referral.  Exciting!