2014: This Will be the Year!

     My husband and I were reflecting on 2013, and he asked me, "How do you describe 2013 in terms of our adoption?"  My quick  response was, "2013:  The year of absolutely NOTHING!"  We both laughed because we know it's kinda true in terms of our adoption; however, we've both been transformed by the grace of God and the power of the wait.  Our dossier has been in the same location, we hope, since last February; yet, Brock and I are not who we were a year ago!  Thank you, Jesus. 

     The wait has been so hard, but so worth it because of what God has done and who He is molding us to be.  It has been kinda like morning sickness.  You hate it while it's happening, but thankful for it if it means your baby is healthy.  I'm thankful for the brokenness and emptiness and loneliness and helplessness because it was only then that I could be filled and comforted and Christ's alone. Our 2013 can be summed up by this song by Sidewalk Prophets:

                     "Keep Making Me"

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me

                             Make me lonely 

So, 2013 was the year of EVERYTHING, and I want to make 2014 even better.  Here's the plan:  

1.  I will focus on what I DO have rather than the things that I don't have.  

 - I DO have a sovereign God, who's all powerful, all knowing, and in complete control of all things.  Praise Him!

 - I have a husband who loves me like he's supposed to love me according to God's command.  He's my rock.  All of you who truly know me understand how hard I am to live with, yet this man gives me grace daily.  It's the kind of grace that God gives.  It's hard to even explain.  I thank God for him.

 - I DO have four beautiful kids in God's possession at all times.  Thank you Lord for watching over my family and guiding our every step.  I can't protect them like you can.  They are yours.  

- I DO get to look out for Kynady and Elijah every single day.  They are my motivation for so many things.  They help me keep life in perspective.  Even on the worst day, they bring joy to my heart.  And they're my prayer warriors.  

- I have friends and family who love me and support me in ALL things, no matter how crazy or weird or "out of the box" I may be.  

- I have a job that I love (most of the time), and I get to be around so many good kids and good people daily. 

- I have a basketball team that "gets it".  They just work so hard.  They have no idea what they are to me.  I would be insane without them.  Or, maybe I am insane with them.  I don't know.  I do know that I am very blessed to be their coach.  

2.  I will rid my life of all things meaningless.  

3.  I will do my very best to make Jesus proud daily.  (Disclaimer:  I am aware of all of my shortfalls.  Please note that I am working on them, especially self-control and all those other fruits of the spirit.) I am also aware that my best will never be enough.  

     Hopefully, the next blog entry that I write will include our referral information.  We expect to get that referral any day.  Until then, may God bless you and yours.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

TWO COULD BECOME FOUR

Are you still willing to accept siblings?  “YES, YES, WE ARE!  JUST LET US BRING THEM HOME SOON, PLEASE!!!!!!

     We still do not have our referral information, but we have agreed to accept two children.  Again, we are not 100% certain, but let me just share how the convo went down with the agency during our referral interview. “Listen, we really need to know for sure if we’re getting two kids, for financial purposes.”  She replied, “My job is to get these kids out of this orphanage as soon as possible, so I would be insane to NOT give you two if that’s how many you are willing to accept.”  So there it is.  And my heart grew again, leaving a little more empty space. 

     The referral interview lasted more than an hour and resulted in a lot of changes to our original plan.  To make a long story short, we went from expecting one child, 0-3, to two kids, 0-7.  Typically, our agency doesn’t recommend interrupting birth order, but we worked it out due to the dynamics and personalities of our family and the kids we will be adopting.  In other words, there’s a chance now that Elijah’s little word will not be totally rocked by the addition of two babies younger than him.  And we will be able to fill that gap between Kynady and Elijah, maybe.  Of course nothing is certain until we have officially accepted our referral, but we’re open to whatever God has planned.  As a result, two could become four, and we’re ready.  

     To give you a further update, our paperwork is still waiting signatures in IBESR (Haitian Social Services), but things are moving.  We have joined a Facebook group with others adopting from Haiti, and we rejoice every time a child comes home and every time a family moves from one step to the next because that means our file is moving as well. 

     This wait is so hard.  It has been filled with so many hills and valleys.  There are times when I get so exhausted from worrying and thinking about it that I have to release it to God.  It builds and builds and builds, and then I am able to let it go.   And then the process starts all over again.  I can’t explain the emptiness and the constant battles within, but I will tell you that this process is making me stronger.  Isaiah 40:29-31 says, “He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.  Youth may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.”  I have never felt so powerless in all my life, yet I have never felt the power of God so strongly.  I have never trusted God so faithfully.  Thank you, Lord, for your blessings and your sovereignty.  Wrap your arms around our children.  Give them peace and let them know somehow that we are coming for them.  If it’s your will, Lord, move our paperwork through swiftly.  Thank you Lord, thank you for blessing us beyond measure. 

Mustangs and Bracelets: Fundraising at Its Finest

Who would have thought raising funds could be so fun?
     At the beginning of this adoption, fundraising, in my mind, was out of the question.  Brock and I talked about it, and I really didn’t feel like asking people for money was the right thing to do.  I felt like God was calling us to adopt, and it would be unfair for us to ask others to give. After reading Adopted for Life, I came to the realization that my own sinful pride was about to rob our friends, family and community of a blessing and amazing opportunity to become involved in this extraordinary experience.  Besides, there are so many cool ways to raise money without sticking your hand out.

     When it comes to raising funds, one should always start within his/her own home.  Let me tell you how God can take a true disorder, and use it for it His purpose.  My husband has a real problem with always wanting to buy, sell, trade, or whatever to make a buck.  It gets on my nerves so bad because I never know what he’s up to. However, he has been able to make a good chunk of cash by selling things out of our closet and garage that we don’t even use.  It’s cool because the stuff is being used by people who actually need it and can use it.  Brock sold two guns that I didn’t even know he had and made a thousand dollars.  We have been able to put several dollars in our adoption account from the sale of his “junk”. Although I often complain, and really feel like he has a disorder, I am thankful that my husband is an extraordinary salesman.  He loves to buy and sell and buy and sell and buy and sell.  Honestly, it gets on my nerves.  However, I can’t complain now that I am seeing what God can do with it.    And as long as he’s selling his stuff, who cares, right?  Well, then he sold my Jeep! 

    I have to be honest.  I was devastated when the Jeep left the garage on its way to Texas.  I get attached to my things.  I know it was the right thing to do, but I really loved that Jeep.  The idea was that we should downsize and get a two door Jeep or a small car for me to drive back and forth to work.  That way we could use the extra money to put in our adoption fund or to upgrade the family vehicle (mini-van).  We went to look at several two door Wranglers this past weekend, and we came home with a Mustang convertible.  Now, it doesn’t seem like such a sacrifice.  I feel like giving God a high five on this one, although I am well aware that He probably doesn’t care one bit what I drive to work each day.  However, I do think He had a part in helping us find a car for sale that was about three thousand dollars below value.  The trade allowed us to put seven thousand dollars in the adoption fund, and I have a cool car to drive to work.  That’s a WIN for me.  That kind of fundraising makes sense!  I just hope I can keep  Brock from selling it out from under me. 

       Another fundraising opportunity came our way by chance, or rather by divine intervention.  One of my students gave me a bracelet for Christmas, and I thought it was one of the neatest and most thoughtful gifts that I have ever received.  The bracelet came with some information attached about the Haitian lady who made it.  I thought it would be cool to buy some to give to people for things like birthdays and such.  That’s when we found the Apparent Project, which is an organization that is designed to help Haitian men and women work to support their families.  They use recycled paper products to make unique paper beads for beautiful, one of a kind jewelry.  The orphanages in Haiti are full, and this organization is one of the few groups trying to attack the problem from both ends.  They help Haitian families by giving them a means to support themselves and their children while helping families like us adopt those who end up in the orphanages.  Now that’s fundraising that makes sense!

     I have been completely overwhelmed by the love and support from family, friends, and complete strangers.  We have sold about 250 bracelets in less than a week.  We are so thankful for those around us who have bought bracelets, helped spread the word, and have volunteered to sell them for us.   The Apparent Project motto is “Making the Needs of Haiti Apparent”, and that’s just what this bracelet fundraiser has done, and I am blessed to have experienced it. 

     God will provide.  I have had faith in those words since we began this journey, and I continue to believe.  Selfishly, I had reservations about beginning this adventure because I did not want to give up anything.  I didn’t want to do without or make sacrifices.  Selfishly, I didn’t want to change my lifestyle or have to say “no” to my kids, even though they need to experience that way more than they do. I have changed, grown, matured, whatever you want to call it, but I am not the same person that I was a year ago.  God has changed my heart in so many ways.  He has pushed me out of my little box, and I can’t wait for what’s next. 

     Please continue to pray for us.  Pray for Kynady and Elijah.  Pray that they will be prepared to welcome their little brother or sister into our home.  I haven’t talked much about them, but their lives are about to change too.  Pray that our paperwork will be pushed through quickly, and we’ll hear something soon.  We do know that our child is at BRESMA, an orphanage in Port Au Prince that houses forty children.  Pray specifically for that place, our little one, the other children, and their caregivers.  May God bless you and thank you for your love, prayers, support, and encouragement. 

 

How to Grow Your Heart

     Your capacity to love grows the more you love.  After Kynady was born, and we decided she needed a sibling, I didn’t think I could love any more.  I thought I would have to split my heart into two pieces, but love doesn’t work that way.  When Elijah was born, my heart just doubled.  I had no idea that I could have that much love to give.  Love works the same way with others.  Once you choose to love someone, there’s no going back.  And there’s no such thing as sharing your heart.  Caterina Favino, our exchange student from Italy is a Thomas now.  In an earlier blog, I wrote that I had no idea why we agreed to host an exchange student.  Well, God knew what he was doing when he put Cate with us. She has been with us for about seven months, and that’s long enough for us to claim her as our own.  We love her as if she is our own flesh and blood, and having her here has removed any doubts about our capacity to love another outside the biological realm of a family. I don’t know if she knows yet what she has gotten herself into.  I don’t know what it’s going to be like when she leaves.  I know we’re not ready to let her go, and she will always hold her own place in our hearts. 

     Our adoption paperwork is still in the black hole called IBESR, but after some research, we’re so thankful and blessed to be there.  Because of the quota system, many families are still waiting to get in.  I found a group on Facebook that consists of a bunch of other families adopting from Haiti.  I have been amazed.  For example, one family’s dossier was in IBESR for over a year, and the family was finally told their paperwork had been found behind a filing cabinet.  Crazy.  I have also found that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to any part of the adoption process in Haiti.  For some, their paperwork was in IBESR for three months.  For others, it was seven or eight months or even a year or more. First come, first served isn’t part of their culture either.  It’s about as random as you can get.   The Facebook group is a place to vent with others who know exactly what you’re going through, but it’s also a place to celebrate and rejoice with others when good news finally comes your way. It has been fun to follow others as they move from step to step.  It’s especially exciting to read when someone gets to have that coming home party.  We have faith that we’ll get there exactly when God has planned.  My heart has grown, but that space wants to be filled. It has created an ache that’s hard to explain, but I am very thankful for the peace that God has provided.  We have a mountain in front of us, but God can move any mountain.  Please pray that God will push us through. 

The Black Hole

     We've entered what so many in the Haitian adoption community call the "Black Hole", short for IBESR.  I have never been more excited to enter such a place in all my life. In the past, this step in the process has taken months and months.  Before all the changes, we would have been given our referral (specific information about our child) before submitting our paperwork to IBESR.  We're about to find out how well the new policies and procedures are working, and whether or not this black hole has gotten smaller.  I pray to God it has!
     Today, the Haitian director from our agency is on her way to Haiti to get her hands on our little one.  I am so restless thinking about the fact that our child could be in her arms this very moment.  All I can think of is "just hug him/her tight".  I wonder what she's saying.  Will she tell him/her that we're coming?  I have prayed and prayed and prayed that our director has and will continue to seek God's will as she seals the deal on our match.  After we get approval from IBESR, our dossier will be sent to the orphanage requested by our agency.  Then the orphanage director will send our dossier back to IBESR along with the dossier of the child we're match with, and IBESR will have to approve the match.  Once that happens, we can be given our referral information.  
    The fact that we have been matched with a child changes everything.  It's hard to explain.  I don't have a name and an age, but I have a picture in my mind.  We don't have to wonder if our baby has been born yet.  Our little angle is across the ocean and my heart aches like you can't even imagine.  I know it's only the beginning, so Lord God please make this swift. 
     My Lord, you are so powerful and mighty, and it's going to take a miracle.  I am asking you, Lord, to intervene and move this mountain.  Before our last basketball game, we talked about Matthew 17:20 and having faith the size of a mustard seed.  That mustard seed that starts off as the smallest of all seeds, but grows to a towering tree with many branches.  Oh, Lord, to have the faith of that mustard seed. Your hands have been all over this from the start.  Thank you.  God, please put your hands around all of our children, your children.  Thank you God, for blessing our family beyond measure and putting us in this position.  May your will be done just as you have planned.  Amen.

Moments of Weakness

     For the record, 99 percent of the time, I am cool, calm and collected.  Well, make that about 90 percent since it’s basketball season.

     I have signed up for about a dozen adoption newsletters over the past two years.  They’re all very similar in that about once a week they send an email begging people to adopt.  They have all these reasons why adoption is the answer, and they almost always include pictures of beautiful little boys and girls. Well, I unsubscribed to every single one in a moment of anguish last week, only to have to go back thirty minutes later and re-subscribe to my favorites.  I think I could be losing my mind. Seriously. 

     I know there are hundreds of thousands of orphans.  I know there are children waiting.  I know that I can make a difference in this world.  That’s why it’s so frustrating.  I get these emails begging people to adopt with all these great reasons why it’s a good way to extend your family.  We already have so much invested in bringing one of those little faces home, but we’re having trouble getting this thing off the ground.  It’s like we’re stuck in the mud without a rope or a chain.  I thought, “I don’t even know who to blame for the inadequacy of the process, but don’t blame me.  I AM TRYING!!”  Thankfully, I had bookmarked most of my favorites, so it didn’t take me long to get back on the lists.  I felt so dumb.  I need those emails, and I need to look at those faces, and I need to be thankful that Brock and I are in a place in our lives in which we are able to be patient.  We have two beautiful children to keep us busy, and we have so many positive things going for us at the moment.  We have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for ourselves.

     I get frustrated from time to time, but I am truly at peace with where we are in our adoption process.  Before and immediately after our conference call last Wednesday, I was anxious and worried about all of the changes and uncertainty in Haiti.  Brock and I had even talked about changing countries.  Before the conference call, I sent in a question to the director asking for specific guidance or at least a professional opinion specific to our family.  I just wanted someone to say, “This is what’s best for your family”.  The director read my question to the group and suggested that we pray and ask God for guidance.  She said that the agency would be seeking God’s will in the decisions that they would be making and that we should seek God’s will for our own families.  She hit a home run with that one because I immediately felt a sense of trust in our agency. What a relief!  Thank God the director got it right.  She can’t make a decision that belongs to God.  I have absolutely no doubt that God has led us to Haiti. From my knees, I gave it back to Him and felt that peace that I had somehow lost in the days prior.  I opened my Bible, and the verse in bold, although it’s not in bold today, was James 1:2-4.  It says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  Thank you, Lord.   

Quotas

     Well, the title of my last blog post was “Rollercoaster”, but I want this to be clear to everyone. It’s not just any rollercoaster. It’s more like Space Mountain or Thunder Mountain or even the Screamin Delta Demon or Wabash Cannonball. The Scrambler or Gravitron isn’t in the same theme park. This rollercoaster is intense. We’re not just spinning in circles, we’re going upside down and all around, but we’ll eventually get to where we’re going. Our faith is stronger than ever, and we’re ready to keep fighting these small battles because we know the war has already been won. Here’s the latest.

     IBESR has expressed their intent to re-establish the adoption program in Haiti utilizing a quota of one dossier submission per accredited agency per month. There are over 300,000 orphans in Haiti and about 19 accredited agencies. Their purpose for the quota is to make sure the new system will work before getting a bunch of families involved, but it just doesn’t seem logical. For us, that means our paperwork could remain at rest in its current place on someone’s desk in Haiti for a few more months. For the orphanages, they simply can’t survive without the money coming in from adoptions. Orphanages will have to turn kids in need away, and that’s hard to imagine. Since our agency can only submit one dossier per month, they have chosen to use a committee to determine the order in which families will be allowed to proceed. It will not be a first come, first served situation, which would have worked out better for us. Instead of deciding which family gets to go first, they will be deciding which child will get to come home first, and then submit the family matched with that child. We are confident in our agency and their desire to seek God’s will in matching children with families, so we’re at peace with our place in line, wherever that may be. I’m not sure how they will be able to decide which child deserves priority, but I appreciate the idea of putting the children first.

     The quota system is ridiculous, but some of the other changes to IBESR’s policies and procedures make more sense. Before the new policies and procedures, Referrals were made rather quickly, and then the dossiers for both the child and the family were sent together to IBESR, who then had to approve the family and the referral at the same time. Now, the family will have to be approved by IBESR before the official referral is made. That means families will not get their referral as quickly, but the time between referral and the end of the process is shorter. That’s a welcomed change. Our agency will be submitting dossiers with a match in mind, but IBESR will make the final decision on referrals after the family is approved. Our agency will not be allowed to give us any information whatsoever about the child they have matched us with until after we are approved by IBESR because they have final say.

     It’s all rather confusing, but here's the bottom line: We are one of six paperwork ready families waiting to submit our dossier, and three more families are in process. A committee will match a child with a family and determine the order of submission based on which child they think needs to come home first. We have no idea where we will fall in line, but we hope that will be determined in the next few weeks. Hopefully, the quotas will be removed soon, and we will all be on our way. The orphanages will fight hard to get the quotas removed because they need the money.  
I feel confident that IBESR will notice rather quickly that quotas will mean less money coming in, and they will work rather quickly to remedy the situation.

     Whatever happens, we are at least 6 months to a year from a referral. That sounds like a long time, and it’s a little longer than we had hoped, but it’s not about what we want. God led us to Haiti, and we’re in this for the long haul. Jeremiah 1:19 says, “They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you, declares the Lord.” This is war and we’re armed and ready. This has been one battle after another, but God never said it would be easy. We can and WILL get this done. PRAY!